I met my husband in January of 2014. We were engaged in November of the same year and married in June of the following year. I knew within the first month of knowing that our relationship had the potential for marriage. We both knew we were ready and talked about marriage from the beginning. I never felt as if I had to downplay my feelings for him, avoid revealing my true feelings, or pretend that I didn’t want a relationship out of fear that I would seem “thirsty.” Going into that relationship knowing that our relationship goals were aligned created a foundation of trust and allowed us to build quickly.
We often think of goals as it relates to one’s career, starting or growing a business, or planning a big move, but If you’re a single Black woman who desires to be married to a Black man, that’s a goal too. In fact, I’d consider it a sacred desire worth pursuing.
A number of years before I got married, I had a conversation with a male friend of mine about our shared desire to be married. Until that point I hadn’t really talked about this with anyone and because of this some people thought that not only was I not interested in dating but I had no desire to be married. Even though I generally keep things to myself, he was one of the rare people who I felt like I could be vulnerable with. I remember telling him that I would be miserable if I never got married and that I was tired of being alone. He commiserated with me and said he felt similarly. With the same passion, he knew that he didn’t want to spend his life single either. Then, he went on to summarize how he’d feel if he never got married and it was brilliant and resonated with me so much so that I shared it for years after. He said if he never got married, that it would lessen his quality of life. He went on to say, it would feel like he had to live his entire life without shoes. While it wouldn’t kill him, it would significantly reduce my quality of life. I told him that I couldn’t agree more. I know everyone doesn’t feel this way and that’s fine, but if you strongly desire marriage, it may feel as if the quality of your life would be reduced if it never happened. I wholeheartedly believe life is meant to be shared with someone – in partnership.
The reason why I didn’t talk about my desire for marriage is because I didn’t want to appear needy. I hated the thought of being needy and didn’t fully embrace my own humanity and desire for companionship. It was way too vulnerable for me to admit that I needed someone. I grew up as my mother’s only child and lived over 1000 miles away from my family. I was used to navigating life on my own without asking for help. I also believed that people had an opinion of me that I felt shackled too and in some ways wanted to maintain. I was smart, goal-oriented, strong, and independent – not needy. At the time, I didn’t believe these traits could also co-exist with one’s desire for partnership. I now know that there is nothing wrong with wanting companionship and desiring to live out your days with another human being. You can be driven, smart, independent, and still desire life-long companionship – it does not diminish you in any way. In fact, it adds dimension to you.
If you are a single Black woman who has faced similar internal struggles and you desire to be married to a Black man, here’s the best advice I have to give. The first piece of advice is not my own, but it was something I read about 10 years ago. If you are ready to get married, only date people who are ready to date with a similar intention. The best predictor of marriage is “readiness” or a man saying he’s ready. Men who say they’re ready to get married are more likely to get married than men who say they’re not. While this is very black and white, I recognize this can be very nuanced. Sometimes, you can date someone, and they don’t know if they’re ready for marriage, but they are looking for something serious. This is a better predictor than being with someone who says they’re not looking for a relationship or simply avoids conversations about it. What I’ve found is that men who are ready for marriage have no problem talking about marriage and dating women who are, but when a man is not ready for a serious relationship, this conversation makes them uncomfortable. It sounds so simplistic, but it’s true. Don’t waste time trying to convince anyone to be ready for a relationship or marriage. If he’s not ready and you are, don’t waste your time.
From the moment I read it, I began to embrace it and live more authentically. I became more honest with myself and with others about what I was looking for. I once met a guy online and after chatting on an app, we transitioned to talking on the phone. One day he asked me what I was looking for and I told him I was looking for a relationship. I then asked what he was looking for and he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship, just friends. He went on to say that he’s hurt people in the past by not being honest about his intentions and wanted to be honest from the beginning about what he was looking for. Then, he asked if I was okay with that and I said “of course”. He wanted to know what I was planning to do with my desire for a relationship and I told him “I’m going to continue to look for someone who wants a relationship, but we can be friends.” We only talked once more after that conversation and he attempted to invite me over to give him a massage. I let him know that I don’t give massages to my friends. He got angry and quickly ended the call. I could’ve entered into a situationship with him, but in my opinion situationships can often tether you to someone you’re not dating rather than free you to date – because the heart does what it does and wants what it wants. If you are in a situationship, you may find yourself emotionally unavailable for someone you happen to meet who has genuine interest in you.
So, if marriage is a goal of yours, just say that! There’s no shame in it. Put yourself out there and date. Make finding a significant other, a priority. Date like you want something serious by being honest about what you want and not wasting time on someone who isn’t. While you may not be interested in marrying the next man you date, it’s okay to say you’re looking for a relationship – one that will ultimately end in marriage.
If there’s anyone who deserves the love, protection, and happiness that marriage can bring, it’s Black women. I know it’s not easy to find “your person,” but don’t lose hope and keep trying.
In love and solidarity.
