Because I understand the power of listening and showing empathy to those I love, I make it my business to do this when my friends and family are hurting. It’s a pleasure to hold space for them because I personally know how difficult it is to be vulnerable enough to share your private struggles and hope to not be judged, but instead loved and supported.
We are all living through an incredibly historic time. My day-to-day life has been completely upended. I work from home because of COVID, but my position was not designed to be remote. As a result, I am working tirelessly to adapt the program in real-time, while simultaneously adjusting to my new role (which I’ve only been in for 7 months). While this is a major shift, I recognize that it’s a blessing to be employed as many have lost their jobs. I wear a face mask whenever I leave my home. I am unable to travel internationally. I can’t return home from traveling out of my state without a negative COVID test or self-quarantining for 7 days. Everything I purchase is more expensive. Each day, I am more horrified by racial injustice in my country and am more anxious than I’ve ever been. I have grave concerns about the upcoming election, my future, my safety, and the safety of my loved-ones. I am equal parts overwhelmed, saddened, anxious, and concerned most days.
This is not generally the way I’d prefer to start this blog posting, but I’ve done so purposely. I want you to know how I’m feeling. How many of you wanted to hear that level of despair? No one – NOT A SOUL! Now, ask yourself why? The truth is, people generally want to hear positive and uplifting content. I know it doesn’t land well – not in person or when it’s written. I mean who wants to hear someone “talk negatively?” We’d all prefer for people to share positive experiences, have a positive outlook, and keep it “positive.”
I’ve noticed a trend in people saying “positive vibes only”. There seems to be a movement of sorts – with t-shirts and hashtags. While I understand the sentiment, in my opinion, there is cause for concern. What does ‘positive vibes only’ actually mean? My interpretation of this is that there is no room for negativity and depending on who you talk to, negativity could mean any number of things. Does it mean that you can’t express ‘negative emotions’ or talk about difficult things? That’s what it sounds like to me and that is not a reasonable ask. I’d argue that being honest about going through a difficult time and being hopeful can coexist.
I’ve always referred to myself as an optimistic realist, while at times others have referred to me as negative. When I’ve gone through hard times and have shared it with others, I was clear to express my displeasure and discomfort about my situation. At the same time, I was hoping things would get better – hence the optimistic realist was born. However, I was often told that I needed to be more positive. And, at times was shamed into not sharing how I truly felt because I couldn’t put a positive spin on it. This is despite how truly difficult it might have been, silenced myself so that I could make others feel comfortable and so that I could somehow will myself into positivity. Of course, this did not work. I still struggled to get through hard times, I often just did so alone because I didn’t want to bring anyone else down with me.
Thankfully, there is a new way of framing this conversation around positivity that aligns with my beliefs and I believe that this issue deserves deeper exploration. ‘Toxic positivity’ is a term that refers to the belief that people should only be positive and speak positively or look at things in a positive light, regardless of the circumstances. While I understand the sentiment – because there is something to be said for having a positive mindset, I also believe that expecting people to only be positive all of the time is unhealthy and unrealistic. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging ‘negative’ emotions – fear, anger, sadness, grief, hopelessness, anxiety, etc. People don’t like talking about issues that conjure up these emotions because it’s uncomfortable and most are not equipped with how to respond or process them, but the truth is, ‘negative’ emotions are a natural part of the lived experience for all of us. No amount of money, fame, or positivity can shield any of us of negative experiences or emotions. When you tell the people who you love that only positive vibes are acceptable forms of expression, you are invalidating their experiences and doing a disservice to them as well as yourself.
We all want to be heard, and when we refuse to listen, it deprives someone else of their humanity to feel and express the full range of human emotions. It doesn’t provide space and opportunity for people to process their emotions and possibly move on or figure out strategies to help them move beyond that place. It deprives the hearer of the ‘negative emotions’ the opportunity for deeper human connection and the development of skills we all need to in order to cope in life as well as extend to others – empathy, supportiveness, active listening, love, generosity, kindness.
I could go on, but I think giving someone the gift of being seen and heard is one of the most important things we can do positively impact someone’s life. Further, doing this will ultimately create the positive vibes we all seek.
Because I understand the power of listening and showing empathy to those I love, I make it my business to do this when my friends and family are hurting. It’s a pleasure to hold space for them because I personally know how difficult it is to be vulnerable enough to share your private struggles and hope to not be judged, but instead loved and supported.
The truth is, we have no real frame of reference for how and why someone is feeling the way they feel, therefore we have no business telling anyone that they should dismiss their ‘negative’ emotions to make us feel better. Essentially, this is what we are saying when we dismiss someone’s feelings. Before doing so, I’d ask you to reflect up these simple, yet powerful words – we bring our whole selves on this journey with us and you can never know enough about someone’s journey to tell them that they should just be positive.
It’s crucial to give space for those you love to unpack what they are feeling, especially now. I don’t know anyone who is not feeling stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, or depressed because of what’s going on around us, and this is especially true for the Black community. While I wish we could focus on the positive, it’s simply not a realistic or healthy way to deal with our feelings. Now, more than ever, it’s time for us to be there for one another because “we all we got.” So now, I ask you, who can you make yourself emotionally available to? Who is in need and how can we better support the community of folks who are near and dear to us?
I’d be remiss if I didn’t say that there are times when someone may continually express ‘negative emotions’ because they are in deep pain and in need of professional help. If you are concerned that a friend or family member may be experiencing depression, having suicidal ideations, or some sort of mental health crisis and would like to be supportive, seek help. Look for resources in your community – call a medical provider, reach out to a mental health clinician, or call a hotline. Let’s all do our part in supporting one another and building a community that doesn’t require someone to always bring positive vibes.
